


Empty Arms

by flootzavut



Series: Swamp(y) Snogs [6]
Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Hawkeye Pierce, Episode Related, Episode Tag, Episode: s08e15 Yessir That's Our Baby, First Kiss, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love, Rage eats a chicken, Season/Series 08, Sharing a Bed, Swamp(y) Kisses, Unhappy Ending, because I am a sap, queer, sequel will probably happen eventually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-21
Packaged: 2019-03-17 12:57:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13659453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flootzavut/pseuds/flootzavut
Summary: He wants Beej to say anything at all, to make a joke, even to apologise again for what happened.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [onekisstotakewithme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/onekisstotakewithme/gifts).



> A tag to "Yessir, That's Our Baby." As ever, for onekisstotakewithme ♥️

* * *

_**Empty Arms** _

* * *

 

Halfway home, BJ steers them to the side of the road and they come to an abrupt halt. He puts his head down on the steering wheel and his body starts to shake silently.

Hawkeye reaches out a hand, presses it to BJ's back, hopes he can feel the warmth through the layers. Father Mulcahy and Charles are looking to him for help, for guidance, like Hawkeye can somehow fix this, like his own heart isn't in pieces.

But it's BJ, and if there's anything in the world he wouldn't do for BJ, he's yet to find it.

"C'mon, buddy," he says, as he hops down to stand at the driver's side door, as he helps Beej down like Beej helped him when... before. He wraps his arms tight around BJ and lets him cry.

Behind him he can hear Charles and the father sorting out who's going to drive since Beej clearly isn't in a fit state to, but he doesn't care, doesn't pay attention, just holds Beej as they stand in silence and tears fall down their cheeks. God, this job never gets any easier, and days when a little light comes along sometimes make it seem even more difficult.

"Hawkeye?"

Father Mulcahy's voice is tentative even for him.

Hawk gives Beej a squeeze, then keeps an arm around his shoulders and guides him into the back seat. They set off at a slower pace. Hawkeye didn't realise until he feels the contrast how fast BJ was driving them, all his sadness and frustration leaking out into carelessness.

BJ curls into Hawk like a little kid, not like six foot and change of officer and surgeon. Hawkeye's been trying to keep a hold of himself, but now Beej has given up pretending he's okay. Seeing him so obviously in pain is too much for Hawk to deal with even if he weren't already hurting. So instead of trying to be strong, he pulls BJ in close and holds on tight and lets himself, just for a moment, entirely stop pretending.


	2. Chapter 2

It's a relief there are patients who need them when they get back to the 4077th, though Hawkeye feels guilty for thinking that way. But it's a distraction, and it's a reminder they are needed here, that even if this war is stupid and pointless, saving lives is not.

BJ has been quiet since they both cried themselves out in the back of the jeep, and after surgery Hawkeye is even more relieved when BJ casually leans on him and bumps his shoulder like always, like they are each the one thing the other can rely on. Beej isn't usually afraid or ashamed of his emotions, but Hawk wasn't sure if actually breaking down in one another's arms would make things weird. He's incredibly glad it hasn't.

They're subdued on the way back to the Swamp, falling into bed without much conversation and without even the lubricant of gin, but it's a tired, sad silence, not an awkward one. Hawk can live with that. All three of them are hurting, even Charles' eyes are a little red and watery, but they will get through this.

He regrets the lack of alcohol when he lies down, although he's not sure it would actually make him sleep. It might make him feel nothing while he lies here awake, though, which would be an improvement.

What he really wants, and he laughs at himself when he realises it, is to be held again, to be reminded he isn't alone in this place. It's a bit different in the heat of the moment, though. Actually deciding - actually admitting what he wants, what he needs? That's kinda scary, even if he thinks BJ would understand.

(Charles at least manages to fall asleep fast. Hawk has seen a new side to Charles of late, and he can't quite make himself hate Charles anymore for being able to shut out the world. He's a little envious and mostly (to his own surprise) glad that at least one of them will be rested tomorrow.)

He tosses and turns for a while, but it's the realisation Beej is doing the same that decides him. This may be the stupidest thing he's done since he arrived in Korea (which is not a low bar), but he  _needs_  someone, and maybe Beej needs someone too, and screw it, if he's going to go back to pretending he's okay tomorrow, then tonight he needs to stop pretending again before he loses his mind.

He feels like a fool gathering up his blanket and creeping across the tent to BJ's cot, but he does it anyway.

"Beej?"

There's not enough light to see properly, but he hears Beej still, turn, can make out a vaguely Beej-shaped outline. "Hawk? You okay?"

Hawkeye considers trying to explain for approximately a millisecond, then decides not to bother. "Budge over."

"What?" BJ sounds confused, but even as he queries it he's moving, his trust in Hawkeye absolute.

Hawkeye slips in beside him. He can practically hear Beej looking at him like he's losing it, but he settles in as best he can (their cots are just barely adequate for  _one_  grown man), then reaches out to wrap an arm around BJ and pull him close.

Beej is stiff as a board for a second - Hawkeye thinks he even stops breathing - but then he laughs and relaxes, shaking his head even as he lets Hawkeye give him a little comfort.

"Been a while since I had company," he admits.

"Why'd you think I brought my own blanket? Can't trust you to share." Hawk does his best to make it a joke, but it comes out way too soft and fond for that.

Beej chuckles again, then lets out a long breath, not so much relaxing now as melting, tucking his head under Hawkeye's chin. "Thanks," he says, so quietly Hawk almost misses it.

Hawkeye pats BJ's hair. He doesn't know how to say that he needs this too, that he's grateful Beej is letting him, that he shares a bed plenty but never feels this safe.

In lieu of words, he squeezes the back of BJ's neck and gives in to the impulse to press a kiss to the top of his head. A moment later he regrets it, but BJ tentatively wraps an arm around Hawkeye's waist, and maybe this isn't the most ridiculous idea ever after all.


	3. Chapter 3

"Peg?"

It breaks Hawkeye's heart a little to be woken up this way. BJ sounds so contented and rested, and if Hawkeye could make it so that BJ was back with his family, he really would, even though he'd miss Beej like hell. It's just...  _that_  painful, to know he's going to have to break this spell.

"Peg," Beej says again, and Hawkeye decides it's not fair to let him keep on thinking he's at home, no matter how disappointing reality is gonna be. He rubs at BJ's back, hopes it's at least a little soothing, and tries to figure out how to pass on the bad news.

He doesn't expect BJ to make a rumbly noise of pleasure in his ear, which gets Hawk (somewhat unexpectedly) right in the libido - then,  _then_  BJ's mouth is on his and he can't even  _think_.

It's soft and warm and lazy, a kiss that speaks of comfort and intimacy. The kind of kiss you give someone you love to say 'good morning, I love you, I'm glad you're here with me.'

A kiss like Hawkeye has rarely (never) had.

It makes him dissolve and it makes him angry, because it's so good and it's so not meant for him, and he's never wanted anyone so badly as he wants BJ Hunnicutt at this moment. It hits him in his gut and chest; much as he treasures their friendship, much as Beej keeps him sane, much as Beej is so painfully, happily married, Hawkeye's heart doesn't care. He's absolutely and irrevocably in love. With a married man. With his married best friend. With someone who is  _married_.

This is so good. This is so very bad. Hawkeye is so utterly screwed. He wishes he could rewind time and remove himself from this bed and never have this life-altering, life-ruining revelation.

For a moment the kiss deepens, and Hawk can't help but allow it, cannot do anything but accept this intimacy, however illicit, but that's apparently when Beej realises something isn't right.

"Peg?" he mumbles into Hawkeye's mouth, and it's over.

 _Shit_. "Beej," Hawkeye says, carefully not allowing himself to follow it up with anything that shouldn't slip out, like 'please, don't stop,' or 'God help me, I just realised how much I love you.'

BJ is no longer kissing him, but they're so close Hawkeye can feel his lips moving. "Hawkeye?"

"Mmhm."

BJ sags. Hawk presumes it's in a combination of disappointment (he's still in Korea, he's not home with his beloved wife) and (Hawk hopes) relief. There are worse people to wake up with than your best friend.

BJ edges back a little - it's not like there's a hell of a lot of personal space to be had - runs a hand down his chest, then sags a little more. (Definitely relief this time, Hawkeye thinks. Relief of the 'I'm still dressed, so nothing I did last night could be too bad' variety. Not that Hawk has expertise in that area or anything.)

There's just enough light to make out BJ's expression. It isn't, thank all that is holy and alcoholic, disgusted or horrified, just embarrassed and confused. (Hawkeye's not sure of much right now beyond the reality of his doomed feelings, but he's sure he would break if Beej were to look at him with anything more negative than regret.)

"Hey," Hawk manages.

Beej scrunches up his face. "What are you doing in my bed?" He sounds bemused more than accusatory.

"I couldn't sleep. You couldn't sleep."

He thinks about that for a second. "Oh." There's a pause. "Company."

"Mmhm."

"And I thought- Oh God. I'm sorry, Hawk."

Hawkeye wants to lean in and kiss the frown off of BJ's face, tell him not to apologise, say it was the best thing that's happened to him in this entire war, or second only to having met BJ in the first place... but judging by the way Beej is looking everywhere that isn't Hawkeye's face, that isn't something he needs to hear right now.

Hawk shrugs. He's aiming for nonchalant, but suspects he's missing by several miles. "'S okay. You miss your wife. I have soft, kissable lips. It's a role I was born to play." God, does he sound as pathetic to BJ as he does to himself?

Beej doesn't even seem to notice the joke. He rolls away, nearly falls off the narrow cot, then somehow levers himself up to sit on the edge. Even though Hawk can't see his face anymore, he can just  _tell_  Beej is already beating himself up - for kissing Hawkeye (like that is a thing that needs an apology, hell no, it needs a repeat performance), for cheating on Peg (Hawk should be so lucky) even if he was fully convinced it was Peg he was kissing, and the second that changed, he stopped.

(Hawkeye wonders exactly what he did to deserve a friend as goddamn noble and good and devoted as BJ Hunnicutt. Maybe the whole 'oops, I accidentally fell in love with my best friend' thing is some kind of divine rebalancing to make up for having Beej in his life in the first place.)

"I hated to spoil your good dream."

BJ just shakes his head.

Hawkeye carefully sits up himself and presses a hand to BJ's back like he did last night, for comfort and connection, but unlike last night, BJ flinches away like he's been burned.

 _Fuck_. Has Hawkeye somehow managed to ruin the one good thing he has in this God-forsaken hellhole?

He forces himself to take a deep breath, so his voice won't shake, and reluctantly levers himself off of BJ's cot. "It's early, Beej," he ventures. "You could use a little more sleep. I sure could."

He wants Beej to protest being left alone. He wants Beej to say he slept really well with Hawkeye's arms around him.

He wants Beej to say  _anything at all_ , to make a joke, even to apologise again for what happened.

But he makes it all the way back to his own corner of the Swamp, and still BJ doesn't say a word.


	4. Chapter 4

The tension doesn't bleed off. Hawkeye tries to sleep, but can't even relax. He tries even harder not to fixate on BJ lying four feet away, but there's an elephant in the tent and it's impossible to ignore. He doubts Beej gets any sleep, either, although he does his best not to notice.

He can tell from the expressions on his tent-mates' faces when they all get up that he looks every bit as poorly rested and miserable as he feels.

(Not that BJ will actually  _look_  at him.)

He gets a few curious frowns from Charles, but Charles must've been brought up not to pry, because he never actually asks the questions that are clearly teeming in his head.

Hawkeye is grateful. He doesn't have a clue what he would say, and he's not sure he even wants to know what Beej would say. He can't dispel the fear that this has damaged their friendship beyond repair, and it's an unbearable thought.

Breakfast is a somber affair, as are their rounds in post op. Usually right about now Hawk and BJ would be concocting some kind of plan for the rest of the day, even if the plan was simply to play cards or chess, or (if they weren't expecting any wounded) to get pleasantly sozzled on homemade gin. Instead, BJ disappears without a word, Hawkeye turns around and he's gone, and Hawkeye is... bereft. Bad enough that he realised he's in love with a thoroughly unavailable man. If he's also lost his best friend in the process, he isn't sure what he's going to do.

He wants to hate Beej, for kissing him, for making him realise how he feels, for being  _Beej_ , sweet and sincere and  _faithful_. This would be so much easier if Beej weren't, well... Beej. But Hawkeye probably wouldn't have fallen ass over teakettle for BJ if not for how caring and kind and loyal he is, and probably wouldn't have a truly good friend to lose. Not only can he not hate Beej, he can't even wish things were different.

But God, it hurts. Hurts even more now Beej is avoiding him.

He can't... he can't function like this. He's changed his mind. They need to talk. Whatever BJ might say can't possibly make him feel any worse than he already does.

It's fortunate the 4077th isn't exactly a large place. It isn't easy to avoid anyone. (As Hawk has found to his cost in the past.) He catches up with BJ and drags him into the relative privacy of the supply room, then stops, because he has no idea how to deal with this. BJ is still avoiding his gaze.

"Beej..." With a scalpel in his hand, Hawkeye can fix almost anything. Where emotions are concerned, he prefers to avoid at all costs. "Beej, it was... it was nothing-"  _it was everything_  "-it didn't matter-"  _it mattered to me_  "-can't we just forget about it?"  _I can't forget, but I really can't lose you over this_.

"It didn't matter?" For a moment, Hawkeye is flushed with terrifying hope, then BJ continues, "It's okay for you, you don't care, you have nothing to lose." His tone is bitter, a note Hawkeye hardly ever hears from him.

Nothing to lose?  _I'm losing you, and it feels like I'm losing everything_.

"We're in the same boat here, Beej. And it isn't a big deal." It's a lie, but it's a necessary one.

BJ lets out a laugh that's empty and humourless. "What if Charles saw? We shared a cot the whole damn night. Even if he didn't see anything else... What if he takes it to Potter and-"

The end of the sentences hangs in the air between them. Dishonourable discharge. Section eight. Either one would get them back to the US, but would also get them in serious shit and could wreck their lives back home. A label like  _that_  would dog them forever.

Charles, though, for all his faults, has considerable humanity, even if it's well hidden a lot of the time. "Charles is not Frank Burns," Hawk says. "He would think we had a rough day and you're my best friend, and maybe we both needed a little comfort." He feels fairly confident this would be the case even if Charles had seen the kiss. Charles is old-fashioned, a snob, and a pain in the backside, but he only discriminates on the grounds of wealth and breeding, and he isn't a military man or even a wannabe. Besides, he certainly wouldn't stoop to something so common as gossip or being a tattletale.

BJ takes in a deep breath then lets it out slowly before nodding. He knows Charles as well as Hawkeye does, even if he's focused on worst case scenarios right now. They both know that Charles just isn't that person, probably wasn't even when he first arrived, let alone now.

The knowledge doesn't make any of this better or easier.

(The reality is, what BJ's most worried about is not Charles' reaction nor even Colonel Potter's. It's just less terrifying to worry about what the army might do and say rather than to imagine endangering the life he has with his wife and daughter.

Knowing that doesn't make Hawk feel better, either.)

They stand there in silence for a moment. BJ stares at a point on the wall over Hawkeye's left shoulder.

If Hawk could manage to hate him or at least be angry with him, maybe he wouldn't feel so... so  _hollowed out_. After the last few days, though, he can't find it in himself to do anything except hurt for Beej almost as much as he's hurting for himself. There's too much grief and helplessness over that little girl, and too much confusion and embarrassment over what happened this morning, and Hawkeye just wants to get past it.

(Okay, it isn't all he wants, but he's trying to stay within the realm of the possible here.)

He hopes this is just a blip, that things will shake out all right, but he's a cynic at the best of times. Right now, optimism seems downright foolish.

"BJ?"

Beej just shakes his head, turns on his heel, and leaves without another word.

Hawk sits down heavily on the end of the cot he's used for so many casual assignations. It seems ironic that they would end up having this non-conversation in here, where he has so many pleasant, meaningless memories. For once, he desperately wants something meaningful, and what he wants is completely unattainable.

What's worse is that BJ is the only person he even wants to talk to right now, the one person he'd turn to for help, and also the one person who has the least desire to talk to him. And he can't fix any of it.

The thought is like a fishhook in Hawkeye's throat.


	5. Chapter 5

Much later that day, he finds BJ back at the Swamp. Hawkeye isn't at all sure what Charles has seen or guessed, but he is relieved yet again that Charles is a far better human being than Frank Burns ever was. He has diplomatically made himself scarce, and Hawkeye may threaten to kiss him for it.

BJ is perched on his cot, shoulders slumped, looking almost as miserable as Hawkeye feels. Hawk can't even take any comfort from the idea it's not just him. He doesn't want Beej to feel miserable. But maybe if they're both this miserable, they have a reason to try and get past it.

"Beej, are you okay?"

A shrug.

He tries again, more hesitantly, "Beej, are  _we_  okay?"

BJ looks up, looks Hawkeye in the eye for the first time in hours (it feels more like days), searching his expression for... something. Hawkeye has no idea what it is BJ's looking for.

Eventually he nods. "We're okay," he says quietly, and something untwists in Hawkeye's chest. "I- I'm sorry."

Hawkeye shrugs. "You're allowed to be an ass sometimes, Beej. God knows you deserve a little revenge now and then."

BJ looks down at his feet. "I'm sorry for... for all of it. For what happened this morning, not just..."

The apology makes Hawk feel like he has a porcupine stuck in his gullet. He knew he didn't have a chance, he's not stupid. He knew Beej would never choose him over Peggy and Erin. But - fool that he is - he thought maybe BJ would regret having to make that choice, that he might be something other than utterly embarrassed about all this. Or at least that he wouldn't apologise to Hawkeye for a kiss Hawkeye knows he's going to be reminiscing about for the rest of the war. Maybe for the rest of his life.  _Please don't apologise for that, Beej. Please don't tell me not one part of you wonders 'what if?'_

"That's..." He shrugs. All he can think of are platitudes and aphorisms, banal phrases that mean nothing and can only give him away. It's not intentional, of that Hawkeye is sure, but Beej just tore out his heart without anaesthesia and stamped on it, and Hawk has to act like he's fine, and God, it  _hurts_.

" _Are_  we okay?" Beej asks, and Hawk wonders how much of his pain is visible on his face for BJ to ask. "Are you okay?"

Hawkeye takes a deep breath, reminds himself BJ is his friend, the best friend he's ever had alongside his dad, and he cannot and will not do anything to jeopardise that friendship just because he's a fool who fell in love with someone he can't possibly have.

Words  _aren't_  his friend right now - words will probably somehow turn on their heads and fall out of his mouth and reveal more than he ever should - so instead he steps in, pulls BJ up into his arms, and hugs him fiercely.

It takes a second, but BJ relaxes into it and hugs him back. He murmurs a quiet 'Thank you' in Hawkeye's ear, and Hawkeye has absolutely no idea what he's being thanked for, but if it means they're okay, that maybe the awkwardness of the last few hours is mended, or at least is on the mend, then he'll take it.

"I'm okay," he manages, and if BJ realises it's a lie, he doesn't call Hawk out on it.

This... this is gonna keep on hurting. Hawkeye doesn't have to be a doctor to know that. It isn't the first time he's fallen for exactly the wrong person. But it's Beej, and he'd do anything for Beej; even squash a broken heart back into its box and pretend everything is fine.

_~ fin ~_

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I will write a happier followup eventually. I am a sap.
> 
> If you're interested in talking to folks in the fandom, please come join us in [The Swamp](https://discord.gg/H5nHFr4), which is a MASH Discord server where quite a few MASH readers, writers and artists hang out :D


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